Editor’s Note: Alas, the wireless at L’Etage was down, so John sent over his live blog this morning. Be sure to read up on it, and check out the videos of the performers he mentions. They’ll be up shortly.

8:02: The crowd is packed in, the fervor is palpable and the bar appears to have run out of chairs. I, loyal UWISHUNU Blogger John Steele have crept like a ninja into the DJ booth and am blogging from here until they kick me out. Let’s see how long I last, shall we?

8:08: People are still streaming in, giving the room a tight but very cozy feeling, circling up in story-hour fashion on the floor. I am reminded of the public library, listening to someone read “Where The Wild Things Are.”

8:17: From a strictly male perspective, good looking ladies abound at the First Person Arts Story Slam. I have seen a whole crop of eligible bachelorettes and even some pretty waitresses. Just make sure you have a good anecdote to open with.

8:26: And we’re off!

8:27: MC Dan welcomes the crowd, explaining the theme (this week’s is CAUGHT, being CAUGHT or CATCHING something), the judges and the prizes. MC Dan introduces me. I wave like an idiot. People clap awkwardly.

8:31: Wait, MC Dan is not the host? Kitanya Mosely, the winner from two months ago is in charge of hosting duties this evening. She opens with a joke. It kills. She is wearing a fanny pack, cool sneakers and a yellow t-shirt. The crowd loves her nonchalant, breezy delivery. She refers to “skinny people checkin’ out my biceps custard” and her sickness of people negatively checking out other “thick chicks” on their way to work. “Let that bitch be,” she says. It once again kills. I want to be friends with Kitanya Mosley.

8:38: Stories are judged on content and presentation. I am sure, since this is a monthly occurrence, y’all already know that but I have never been here before so you just have to bear with me getting things straight.

8:41: Angel Hogan, winner of the special Summertime slam, is the first reader. Our host suggests the judges use the story of a winner to “calibrate their instrument.” Angel confides her former use of a chat line, using the nom de plume of Bambi, as if Angel wasn’t funny enough. She decided to meet her favorite of the phone suitors, Mike, who was not as pleasant as he was on the phone. She didn’t want to even finish a cup of coffee with the guy. She walked down Main street with him awkwardly until she finally stopped and asked the man to let her walk alone. “Don’t you want me to know where you live?” he asked. She said no. “I already know where you live,” he replied. She turned and walked away (bravely, right!) and never heard from the man again. And she never went back on the chat line.

8:46: Samuel Reed starts his story about a cell phone, which he calls an electronic dog chain. Sam Reed’s cell phone story is a touch monotonous, but his commentary about how cell phones make you cool is relatable. But his electronic dog chain kept him on the leash with his wife. Until one night, Sam Reed went to a salsa club without his wife. And when his wife called him to come home, he got in the cab with her on the line, thinking he hung up. He thought wrong. Sam started doing Taxicab Confessions, telling the cabbie about how he was dancing with all the chicks at the club. His wife now knows all about his secret salsa dancing life. Poor Sam.

8:53: Michael Kid dresses the part of his name, with a Gap Kids t-shirt and some plaid pants. He prefaces his story by saying that if a story is equal parts offensive and funny. He begins to tell a story about a Jewish girl he once liked to take the piss out of. So a girl got angry at Michael for making Jewish jokes. His friend forgave him. And he responded “it’s a Christian thing you wouldn’t understand.” His Jewish friend got annoyed so to make it up to her, Michael wrote an apology note, an extremely offensive tome that he was caught passing IN COLLEGE! He had to read it in front of the class. He was later called Mel Gibson for the rest of the year.

9:04: Amani Gethers once had the opportunity to make love to two beautiful women and for some reason he didn’t do that and it led to him being caught by the LAPD. FOR JAYWALKING. Amani’s car had been broken in to. And it bothered him so much that when two women approached him flirtatiously, he didn’t reciprocate. So he went back to the scene of the crime. The Best Buy where the car got broken into was agitated with the loitering and Amani became convinced that Best Buy had stolen his girlfriend’s computer. Amani says he likes to smoke weed. I should have started the story with that. My opinion is that the cops were just trying hard to arrest a loud guy for being stoned and not for the old jaywalking ticket they got him for. But nevertheless, he got caught.

9:11: Erin Thompson has had a lot of bad relationships. One man told her he was afraid of macaroni and cheese, one told her her face looked perverted. One proposed to her even though she said she hated him. He followed her around, saying “it isn’t stalking if your schedule is so easy to predict.” This man stole books, wrote in them and then his best friend tried to get in her pants by stealing them back. It’s the best story of the night. The crowd and judges agree.

9:17: Danielle Lesoussa is short. There is a cute moment where no one can lower the mic for her. People are kind. She tells a story about Paris and being tourists in Paris. Some tourists from Hong Kong, in a thick accent, asks Danielle and her friend to buy her a bag. The tourist opens a book and points to a Louis bag and asks the girls to buy a very expensive bag. The tourists give the girls $1000 Euro’s which, at the time, was actually $1000. They go to the store and there is a line of many Asians and once they get to the counter, the sales woman will not let them buy the bag because she knows the money is not theirs. Danielle does not tell a very good story.

9:24: It is time for intermission. Who needs a drink?

9:44: The 10-minute intermission has turned into a 20. But we are back. Kitanya recognizes First Person Arts staff and gets things rolling once again.

9:47: Dan Short confesses that he usually tells untrue stories. He doesn’t drink or smoke or have sex with strangers but he buys interesting shoes to compensate (his line, not mine). He is at a wedding and the bachelor party is lame. Just a tub of beer and some cable. This will somehow lead to him being caught. He meets a girl and starts telling her about how he tells fake stories. The girl thinks he should tell her sister a fake story. So the girl tells her sister that they went to school together. The sister is confused. Dan uses this to hit on the girl. It totally works, everyone falls for it, Dan refers to his post-high-school personality explosion as to the reason for her not remembering him. Everyone at the wedding went to the same high school. Dan has no idea. Everyone thinks they just forgot him. So at the wedding, the girl is seeing daggers, pissed that her sister and this strange man tricked her. Decent story, I just wish the groom would have had Dan make a toast. It would have made the story into an Office episode or something. But nice work Dan. Great presentation.

9:56: Steve Skadudo (sorry Steve, I have no idea how to spell your name) transferred to Temple from Delaware. He was excited about the diversity. His roommate has a girlfriend over. He and the girlfriend have sex on the bottom bunk of Steve’s bed while Steve is having a conversation with his roommate, lets call him Joe. Joe and Steve later unbunk the beds. About two weeks later, it happens again while Steve is downstairs for 2 minutes getting food. Another few weeks go by and Steve’s family comes to visit. Entering the room, Steve’s father sees the live sexual stuff going on and calmly extends a hand “Hi, I’m Steve’s dad, please don’t get up.” Nice one Steve.

10:03: This guy looks like he has a story, Lou Ludovici is an older gentleman. He has worked at radio stations. One day, Lou turned on his computer but even before it could boot up, he gets a phone call. The station director called him, telling him that two planes just flew into the twin towers. The incidents unfold in front of Lou as he rushes to the station, scared to death. When he gets there, the station managers wonder if their towers could be next. So they take the two big station vans and pull them in front of the station entrances. The story ends. Lou has told the first serious story of the night. It is relatable, filled with fear and mystery but not entirely anything special. The judges are split.

10:09: Ted Pason used to be an alterboy on funeral teams, because you might be able to miss school because of it. Catholic school was full of duties that would allow you to miss class, the most perverse of which is funeral day. Ted is charismatic and energetic and skinny and the crowd likes him lots. His friend, wicked hungry before funeral teams have to be in, steals a bag of communion wafers. His friends are understandably concerned. But this bread is not blessed so his friends join in. They end up eating the whole bag. They later get called to the rectory and they have no idea why. Ted is convinced he set the garden on fire by burying the insence. This is no shock to me, as a catholic. But it turned out Ted’s friend had a hole in his pocket leading all the way to Jack, Ted’s friend. One of the young children found them and asked the Nun what Jesus was doing lying on the ground. One of the priests would later ask Ted what Satan worshipers would do if they got their hand on the communion wafers. This story is excellent. All the humor and reaction of a David Sedaris piece. Nice work, Ted. Best of the night.

10:23: Kitanya is ready to pick a winner for the raffle. Some bald guy wins. I don’t care because I thought it a conflict of interest to enter. But you didn’t know there was a raffle because I didn’t tell you. So you don’t care either.

10:26: Kitanya has another story. It is a killer. Her voice quivers as she tells it. She has issues with men. She wanted to get with a guy but then decided that she didn’t and was a bit afraid that he might beat her up if she said no. Kind of like rape but not really. This is kind of a rambler but Kitanya keeps the people in it. She makes it out of the apartment and then hangs with him again and they are at a bar fight but Kitanya stays in the car. She doesn’t want to stay but, again, is a little afraid of the man. She gets with Cory, the dude. But the next morning, a woman bursts in that Cory says is his mother, but its not his mother. She tells it extremely well.

10:34: Ted’s story about the communion hosts wins as I knew it would. Everyone is pleased. No one is sore. Awesome work Ted. Great work judges. Great work participants. It has been a long day so I am going to head home. Thanks for reading and be sure to check out the Story Slams every 4th Tuesday at L’Etage if you have a story. Thanks for reading.

First Person Arts
www.firstpersonarts.org