Uwishunu.com

I am of the rare breed of woman who does not like to go to the salon. It makes me very uneasy. Unfortunately, after a disastrous late-night and semi-drunken self-administered haircut, a friend found me in the dark, hatted and forlorn, and made me sign a contract promising I would never self-trim again.

Fortunately, my friend Anthony The Barber at American Mortals helps me uphold my end of the deal. He’s not a hacker; you won’t walk out wishing all that hair being swept off the floor was still on your skull. He’s patient, inquisitive, and not half bad to look at in the mirror if you feel weird looking at yourself. After you’re washed, chopped and blown, you can use the portal in the back and get some new digs at Grasshopper right next door.

American Mortals Hair Salon
729 Walnut St, Philadelphia, PA 19106
(215) 574-1234

The most graceful lady in Philadelphia stands permanent guard at the top of Great Stair Hall in the Philadelphia Museum of Art, with bow drawn and arrow on string. Her name is Diana. She stands 18 feet tall, weighs in at 1,800 pounds, and is made of gilded copper. Artist Augustus St. Gaudens is responsible for this beauty. She used to serve as a weathervane atop the old Madison Square Gardens II 32-story tower in NYC. Her fluttering drapery would catch the wind and cause her to swing, her arrow pointing in the direction the wind blew (by good fortune, she’s naked now). Mind you, that is almost 2,000 pounds of metal spinning around. Staggering. The Museum got a hold of the mighty virgin huntress in 1932 a few years after MSG was torn down, and she has remained sentinel ever since.

Philadelphia Museum of Art
2600 Benjamin Franklin Pkwy.
Philadelphia, PA 19130
215-235-3200

The Insectarium is a 3-story museum dedicated entirely to worshipping or squealing at bugs, depending on your disposition. It was started by a certain Steven Kanya, owner of Steve’s Wildlife and Pest Control, in 1992.

The day I made the trek to this entomological utopia in the Northeast, they had unfortunately just closed. I was disappointed enough to tell the lady that I was a schoolteacher (good heavens!) and I needed to check out the facilities to prepare my darling charges for a fieldtrip. She obliged. What I saw there: a kitchen scene teeming with roaches in their “natural habitat,” tarantulas, emperor scorpions, a hive of hard-working bees, a lovely collection of pinned butterflies and all manner of exotic creepers and crawlers.

If you’re looking for an engrossing place for your next birthday party, this is it. It’s open Monday through Saturday, 10 a.m. – 4p.m., for six bucks.

Insectarium
8046 Frankford Ave,
Philadelphia, PA 19136
215-335-9500

Photo courtesy of Flickr user Mike Feagan.

On the grayest of days, the only thing that can cheer me is a trip to Lord & Taylor to go lingerie shopping and listen to the triumphant bellowing of the largest pipe organ in the world. A rich century-long history, nearly 29,000 functioning pipes and the dynamic range of three symphony orchestras makes the Wanamaker Grand Court Organ one of the most magical wonders of Philadelphia (and a National Historic Landmark). Originally built for the 1904 St. Louis World’s Fair, this awesome behemoth was purchased by John Wanamaker in 1909 for the Wanamaker Department Store. Since Macy’s has taken over the vast, cathedral-like space at 13th and Chestnut I have not visited–being a lady loyal to her lord–but word is that its new landlord is committed to the care it deserves.

Daily 45-minute recitals Monday-Saturday: 12:00 p.m.
Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday: 5:30 p.m.
Wednesday, Friday: 7:00 p.m.

Macy’s
1300 Market St.
Philadelphia PA, 19107
215-241-9000

Photo courtesy of Flickr user speakermargin.

Bartram’s Garden is a 45-acre arboreal oasis in the badlands of South West Philadelphia. John Bartram and his son William dedicated their lives to collecting and preserving all manner of natural specimens, which continue to flourish on these grounds and elsewhere. Notably, the franklinia alatamaha, named after who else but Mr. Bartram’s (and our) buddy Ben Franklin. This obscure beauty, discovered in Georgia in 1765, was saved from extinction by the father and son team. All franklinia trees now in existence are direct descendents from seeds cultivated by these dudes. There was a census taken in 1998 accounting for 2,000 of these rare trees in 38 states and 8 foreign countries. I can think of two in Philly: one here, and another at Franklin Square.

Bartram’s Garden
54th St. and Lindbergh Blvd.,
Philadelphia, PA 19143
215-729-5281

Tank the dog doesn’t have very much stuff: one necklace, one bone, a Mambo Movers blanket bed, and Chuck-It. I avoided this plastic ball-throwing device for many years because, like a moron, I thought it was for sissies. Nay! Not only is Chuck-it fun to say (try it: chuckit chuckit chuckit), but it helps me to throw a muddy dog-slobbered tennis ball the entire length of the Clark Park Bowl (well, almost). If you’ve never been to Clark Park, the bowl is a concave area around the size of a football field, where folks play soccer in the dust and dogs frolic and interesting community events unfold. If you go daily to the Bowl, people will start to address you as Your Dog’s Name+Person: “Wow! Look at Tank run! Tank’s Person used to have a good arm. Now it’s bionic!”

Clark Park
43rd and Chester Ave.
Philadelphia, PA 19104

Some folks might be embarrassed to admit they enjoy the bar at the back of the City Tavern. I couldn’t say for sure, because no one I know will admit to having been. This I do not understand. Yes, it is expensive, and yes it is a tourist mecca, but where else can you booze it up with the ghosts of Philadelphia’s most influential first settlers, ogle wait-staff in adorable colonial outfits (who are also federal employees) obliged to share their wealth of historical knowledge with you, and order a sample set of Yards’ Founding Fathers draft beers served on a wooden paddle? Gracious people, on this spot stood the most debauched bar in all the colonies! Revolutionaries! Prostitutes! Brawls! Are ye not patriots?!

City Tavern
138 S. 2nd St.
Philadelphia, PA 19106
215-413-1443

Tracy Lutz and Regina Mandell, both industry veterans and models of elegance and style, own and operate the sweetest boutique in all the land. Grasshopper, which opened its doors in September, is well stocked with a unique and dazzling array of accoutrements for ladies and gents. They carry outstanding designs from distinct labels and select local artists. As a Grass-shopper, you will be rewarded with ample room for browsing, non-harassing attentive service, and a very sexy lounge in the back of the store. Warm yourself at the gas fireplace, take advantage of free wi-fi while a friend is getting their mop chopped at American Mortals right next door, and if you’re lucky, Tiny Dog (Grasshopper’s only other employee, and the real captain of the ship) will throw you a fashion bone. Boost your style and earn afterlife points for supporting independent artists.

Grasshopper
727 Walnut Street
Philadelphia, PA 19106
215-925-3959

If you need to get out some aggression, but you also want to get to know Fairmount Park (the crown jewel of Philadelphia), go whack some golf balls at the Longknockers Driving Range. And do it soon. Because this little island of awesome, hedged by towering old trees on the park side and 33rd street’s urban dilapidation, is about to undergo a serious makeover.

Apparently it ain’t so easy being green; this neighborhood gem, which has been swingin’ since ’77, is being totally redone this winter (starting January-ish). The privately owned range has decided not to renew its lease and has turned things over to a certain Synterra company. Planned: putting greens to replace the long-since-used batting cages, heated driving stalls (sissies), and a mini-golf course. One Mr. Henry Stone, who’s been there “for a loooong time sweetheart,” and is one of the original Longknockers, will remain manager. Which is a very good thing, because according to him it’s always been “a neighborhood place, just a group of us guys,” and hopefully it will remain that way.

The range is open year-round (Philadelphians are serious about their sporting, see), from 9ish to 5ish, unless there’s snow on the green. You can get a big bucket of balls for six bucks. Last time Ben and I went, Temples’ own basketball legend Coach Cheney was kicking it in the office with Mr. Stone and his bros. Sweet.

Longknockers Golf Driving Range (AKA East Park Driving Range or Strawberry Mansion Driving Range)
1500 N 33rd St
Philadelphia, PA 19121
215-236-6794

Feeling blue and in need of a sympathetic ear? I have a friend to recommend to you. He doesn’t talk much, but he’s a very good listener. He doesn’t catch much, yet he’s my favorite fisherman. Perched on an unlikely boulder in the shade of the newly renovated Waterworks, there’s a wonderful sculpture of an unassuming man, fishing with a phantom pole, tackle box at his side.

I love this man. I love him especially because he spent three years at the bottom of the murky Schuylkill River after being bludgeoned off his spot by a 60 ft. tree during Hurricane Floyd in 1999. What did he learn down there? Devoted divers found him (a mere 30 feet from his original spot), and he was re-installed in his rightful place in September 2004. Take the spiral stairs down on the West side of the Art Museum and pay him a visit–I recommend bringing an offering of some kind–a stick will do. If you’re there during the day, check out the free Interactive Center, a wonderful museum sponsored by the Water Department.

Fairmount Water Works Interpretive Center
640 Waterworks Drive
Philadelphia, PA 19130
215-685-0723