8:07 p.m. This isn’t just my first Story Slam, it’s my first time at L’Etage. Holy crap, this place is cute.

8:24 p.m. This place is also crowded. I feel like I’m in one of those groups of college kids who try to see how many people they can fit in a phone booth, car, etc.

8:28 p.m. Starting a couple of minutes early before more people get crowded in here.

8:29 p.m. Oh oh. Here I thought everyone sitting on the stage got to tell a story, but it’s just ten people who want to read picked at random.

8:30 p.m. I just got pointed out to the room as the liveblogger. Hi everyone!

8:31 p.m. First Person Arts is Going national with its story competition! And it’s also going to include photography and film! And there are cash prizes! First place in each of the three categories wins $500 and a spot in the First Person Arts Festival. Pretty awesome.

8:34 p.m. Host Victor…oh, I’m not going to be able to spell his last name right…Fiorello? From Philadelphia Magazine…”which is that glossy thing with all the plastic surgery ads.” Funny guy, here.

8:35 p.m. Stories must be true! Stories must be less than five minutes! Stories must relate to the theme: secrets!

8:37 p.m. Drawing the judges! “Linda looks like a very fair judge.” “Kendra!” “Olga!”

8:38 p.m. Kendra is also a guest storyteller. That’s awesome! She’s wearing a dress she got for a quarter. Kendra was “the stoner” at her high school, but she had no idea. Her junior year of college she transferred to an esteemed institution, where she lied about interviewing people in a major paper, making up quotes to support her thesis. She felt awful about it, convinced that she’d get caught. But her professor sent her a note saying that she received the highest grade in the class.

8:44 p.m. First story slammer: Brady. So Brady’s piece is about how he learned to pronounce a certain lady part! That rhymes with…uh, nothing. Anyway. “If you’re innocent and geeky people will tell you about their sex lives.” I would agree with that. This guy is great. Great interjections. Holy crap, this girl he knew ripped a headboard off the bed during…intimate relations.

8:50 p.m. Judges, a decision? Judge: “What do you do?”

8:51 p.m. MaryAnn? I’m so bad at spelling names. This lady is 52, but she does not look it. She says she’s been married and divorced to the same person three times. Moral: tell your secrets to keep a relationship strong.

8:56 p.m. From Victor: “That’s some good inches.” One of the judges just got booed. I don’t envy that job.

8:57 p.m. Katanya (again, if spelling is wrong, my apologies). “I’m a recovering bastard.” “Where I grew up, most other people were bastards, or they spoke bastardi.” Amazing. She’s thought about a support group for bastard children, where they drink punch and have a theme song. She knows how to cut the tension in the room. “I’m a fabulous person, let me tell you this now because you don’t know me.” Dude, I don’t know her, but I believe it. “I have Haiti, and anger, and yoga in my background…I’m legitimate.”

9:04 p.m. Victor: “Story slammer number four..this sounds dirty…Uncle Benny!” Headed home on the blue line after work, with his after-work headache. Schizophrenic on the train, singing a song about work that Uncle Benny thinks must be the truth. The schizophrenic says: “The CIA has filled zoos with animals.” Learning the lesson: “Get it together and go to work, because that’s your lot in life.”

9:10 p.m. Darren. A vet. Did drugs when he was in the military. Part of a counter-intelligence unit. Description of his roommate: “Imagine anorexic Tom Waits with a haircut.” Darren did four hits of acid with this guy, then went out on the Autobahn to see Metallica, etc. Saw some freaky stuff, then passed out for two days, and everyone wanted to know where they could get that acid.

9:17 p.m. Intermission. How many people dare go outside and lose their seats? I would like to use this moment to thank my Sir for lending me his laptop, since the battery life on mine is the length of the average American sitcom. Although my laptop is much funnier. Zing!

9:37 p.m. First blogger of second round: Michael O’Hara. “I’m like uh, an office guy.” Big nerd…also has a history of violence! Broke a guy’s leg. Dated nine dancers and some dominatrixes. Spell check doesn’t like “dominatrixes.” Holy crap, he used to be involved in Philly’s S&M scene, while still being an office guy during the day. “There’s a lot of rough spots we’ve all been through…maybe you, more than me.” On quiet nights, he names the children of the person he liked but got away. Man. Victor: “The only man to bring up S&M and the names of his unborn children at a story slam.”

9:44 p.m. Ariel. 19 when she met her now ex-fiance. He was a mysterious guy who was eight years older than her. Then he says: “I have something to tell you.” He was 32! She was pissed off (rightly!), so she lied and said he was 16. Nice. Man, I can’t imagine being 19 dating someone’s who’s 32. When I was 19 I dated someone who was 22, and I thought that was huge.

9:50 p.m. Andy. “So…this is more of a secret from the police.” Best way to start. Rode his bike from New Jersey to Texas, trying to find speakeasies in dry Tennessee towns, and then met a pro-golfer from Australia. What? Amazing. They go into the desert together with a knife looking for peyote, eating everything they come along. Anyway, Andy and his friend leave the guy, find him again, go to a national park with him. THEN ended up trading a dude across the Rio Grande cans of soup for peyote. This is ridiculous. I love this. So! They get pulled over by the cops, and…time’s out! Nooo! He ends: he smuggled drugs over the Mexican border accidently. I want the full story. Darn you, five-minute time limit!

9:56 p.m. “I like judge number two. She has guts.” Agreed.

9:57 p.m. George. Wasn’t planning on telling a story. “I loved everybody else’s stories, I related to all of them.” Haha. Was going to architecture school, met a girl through work who owned a salon. Sugar momma!

10:03 p.m. Last slammer! Gary B. Hall Junior. He’s not here! Lou. A great cheer goes up. When he was five, his father got a player piano. You pump it with your feet and it runs on air. After hiring movers to move it around several times, he finally gave up and bought an electronic keyboard. I’d say that the decline of player pianos in America is possibly as sad as the decline in rail travel. Okay, not quite, but I’d like to see a few more old-timey player pianos around.

10:08 p.m. Another past winner telling a story! Ingrid. Really good story.

10:13 p.m. T-shirt raffle. Big winner? Big winner!

10:14 p.m. Winner! Katanya! She’ll be at the grand slam in the fall. Yay!

10:15 p.m. Next month’s theme: On the Road!