We started. Dan G is up on stage welcoming us to the First Anniversary Slam. Also, my friend Demetri just walked in. What’s up, Demetri? Thanks for coming.

Ingrid Reese is the host and she’s been introduced. She’s in a stunning white wrap around top. While she goes through the rules (5 minutes or less, has to be true, you can’t use notes, you have to follow the theme) I’m going to ALSO say that I’m glad Anthony came back. He is a perfect example of a dude who just happened to come out to the last slam, who had a great time, and came back with a friend THIS TIME because he KNEW he could guarantee a fun night out. Even when the stories aren’t so great, people, they’re only 5 minutes long. It’s perfect for a bathroom break or to grab another cocktail.

I think we’re about to get started. We are getting right to it, Ingrid says!

Busted! Anthony’s friend Bridget was called first! She deferred for a drink. Called first on your first slam- no good. Juliet Wayne, the profesh, took her place. Oh, Juliet, your story about the temporary tooth that wouldn’t stay put is awesome. Especially the part where you put it back in your mouth after you pooped it out.

Beth is up next. Her last name is NICEWONGER. Ha! This is the crux of her story and I can tell already she’s about to work it. She played basketball as a kid and her jersey said NICEWONGER! Yesssss. Anyhoo, she grew into her name and began to embrace it by college as a funny and quirky part of herself. This story has changed places: now it’s about Nicewonger’s post-college days in Portland, OR. She’s describing a night with friends and friends of friends. They’re out and drinking and the topic of “funny names” comes up when a friend of a friend comes up with “I know someone with the last name Nicewonger.” It was better when she said it. She did a great job. Whoa! Beth has been to EVERY story slam and got an award for Perfect Attendance!

Michael McCarry is up next and he’s told stories before and he’s good. He’s telling us about college, when he played baseball, specifically about tearing his groin. The whole crowd winces at “tearing a groin.” He talks about “anything to do with groinal injury” as hurting and we laugh at groinal. He is taking us to physical therapy and introducing us to his therapist. The story is about his SECOND therapist, who was hot, who had him in a pool for therapy, in a speedo. Well, his college buddies spiked his beer one night with Cyalis and the next day at therapy SOMEONE… well… during the massage got… embarassed. Oh, snap.

Mike Brunner. He says he’s also got an oddly sexual story. Oooh. OK, Mike will go anywhere for three reasons and in this story he’s telling us about the three reasons he decided to go to Minnesota. The first was a girl. The first reason is that he met a girl and he wanted to hook up (why’s that not reason enough?). The second reason is… he decides will be poker. And he’s talking about poker in Minnesota, so I’m thinking he’s desperate for the girl. The third reason is that there’s a girl he found online who likes his type AND who likes to give oral sex. Whoa. So he’s got three reasons to go fly to Minnestota, the third is anonymous sex. He fesses up to reason number three with reason number one, who seems to have no problem taking him to actually meet this random girl who’s going to give him a BJ. Gross. Turns out reason number three is a man. Deciding he didn’t care, and that he’s going for it, this story ends when he’s stood up.

TIPPY is next. Her story is about how hard learning a second language is. She studies French and goes abroad to Guatamala, thinking Spanish and French are PRETTY MUCH THE SAME. Bold move. They’re separate languages for a reason. OK. Her new Guatamalan friends have figured out she likes animals and she’s invited to go meet some kittens. CUTE. Who doesn’t love kittens? She meets the kittens in a box at some neighbors’ house and she’s totally faced with some language barriers. Apparently Tippy’s going deep and trying to talk about SPAY AND NEUTER culture in the US while only using whatever FRENCH and SPANISH she knows. Unable to do much better, she explains that in the US we… “take the balls away” which was sort of funny and not that embarrassing, but I get it. And I admire her gumption.

Katonia Moseley. She introduces herself as a peaceful spiritual bitch. I love it. The auience loves it. She’s telling the story about specific moments where she helps her white friends feel “safe” about racial difference by happily answering questions about black people. Katonia, as somewhat of a spokesperson for African Americans to the white people who like her, fields these questions by relying on what I’ll presume is her “spiritual” side- and by this I mean she’s patient with people and their presumptions, their fears, and in some cases instead of taking them “personally” it seems even a little funny to her because she’s seeing things in a different way. The way she describes it, it’s a little funny to us, too, and Katonia has pulled us into the realm of her world view, where isn’t it all just a little ridiculous that a bunch of white folks can’t just tell her where the Kinko’s is. Good story, great delivery. Katonia- come back next month!

Bridget is up. She’s had a drink. Or two. Her story is about being frank, a break up story. On St Patrick’s Day. She’s on her way from Princeton to NY to see her boyfriend. At Penn Station her dude meets her and he trains her downtown. Waaaaay downtown. At his loft are all the cool typess, the cool media types. Producers, art directors, etc. She’s ready to hang with “cool kids.” Turns out there are no cool kids here this time; it’s her boyfriend and his friend, hanging out with two girls. Sort of confusing, no? It seems like she’s the 5th wheel on a double date. The bell rings and Bridget’s got a minute left. She’s freaking out (in the loft, not on stage), so she’s bailing because her boyfriend stone cold dissed her. But, mister nice guy (that’s my “sarcastic” name for her jerko boyfriend) follows her, to take her immediately BACK TO THE TRAIN. Man. He follows her to the subway and while she’s waiting on one platform, he’s across the platform from her and- get this- DUDE BROUGHT A BOOK!! She gets to the train and is feeling cruddy and homeboy had the foresight to bring a book. What a douchebag.

Next is… Katherine Clark Grey! Katherine and her sweetheart at the time are looking for the weeds. By that I mean marijuana The sweetheart has a friend, some dude who lived in his apartment for +35 years (which is a long time) and is deemed “important” to her and her acting scene. A heavy hitter if you will. They pop on on this guy and mister doesn’t have any of the weeds. But he’s got Alize. I LOOOOOOVE how Alize is put in context of 2001. Perfect. It WAS the booty call drink of that year! Mister also has hash, so they smoke it while they’re dinking the Alize. In a bit, they’re eeeeefffffffffed up. This mister brings out a trunk of costumes and some texts for them to wear and to read. Katherine decides she’s got to get out. But she’s scared and out of her head. But she’s got to get out. But she’s scared. And out of her head. But she gets up to go, and before she can she notices that this mister has a little… something… gross… and personal… below his caftan. Something indecent and not the kind of thing you show a guest. Gross! I’m glad she made it out!

Louis Loudovici he’s a pro. We LOOOOOVE Louis. He’s telling a story about graduating high school and taking a girl to the big party. He was not in love with the girl, but he was in love with her mother! Go Louis! Anyhow, he picks the girl up with his car and gets her into the car… only to find he’s stepped in dog doo on the way. Awkward pause. Gross. Poor Louis. Awkward teen that he was and that she was, nothing is said, though everyone knows the score. They pick up the other couple and go to the dance. The dance is great, Louis says everything is perfect… And later Louis notices that his date has the same shoes as another girl… Louis, don’t. Don’t point it out. He does. Awkward! Then, on the way home, the car still smelling of doo, his friends’ date is sick. I’m not sure if she threw up or what, but Louis says she’s green. Bum-mer!

Next is… Danielle LaSouza. She’s from Chicago. This story is about when she turned 21 and it’s about swimming in the ocean. Rather, the Gulf. They are not detourred by the crappy Galveston beach! They go in, they’re swimming, they’re enjoying themselves and they are wondering about the fishes. These fishes that are jumping out of the water. I wonder if someone’s going to get a fish to the face in this story?!?! Whoa, well, now she’s talking about a fin peeking out of the water. This fin sound suspiciously like a shark fin. Dude, it IS a shark! The bell rings (she has a minute left)… the shark has “crested” out of the water (?) and they high tail it back to the beach, memories of Jaws all too real. Trying to do the right thing they decide to tell the family playing in the water that there’s a shark… only to find out they LIKE sharks. Everyone gets excited. This is confusing. And awkwared.

Kevin Lee. We love Kevin Lee. He’s telling the story about the apartment above his leaking and approaching the neighbor about the leak. Awkward Pause. But then the story turns into Kevin talking about how his whole life is an awkward pause and he goes on and on about the various awkward pauses that befall a sweetheart shy-guy like Kevin… Oh, Kevin. You ruled this story. I think he’s going to win. He got 10 and 10 from the first judge. Crap scores from the second, and great again on the third.

Kevin wins!!! Yaaaaay!!!!